WHO KNOW BUGGERS BETTER THAN MOI?

September 6, 2006

“Beer + dollar hamburgers = a lethal combination.” – Jim Plocinik

It should be hand-packed and about a half-pound. It should have enuf fat in it to give it lots of flavor, at least 15%, preferably 20-25%. Gotta be cooked to order. Most of the best we’ve tasted are ground chuck; several were course ground. The best way is to cook it is on a flat grill, but we won’t rule out char broilers just because. The taste will tell the difference.

It should come on a bun that doesn’t fall apart when cooked medium rare. The bun has to stand on its own but not overwhelm the meat. Most buns are best lightly buttered and toasted. But something like a good crusty baguette roll will suffice as is.

John likes his buggers with things on them, even cheese. I like my buggers nekked. Maybe a nice kosher pickle on the side.

Several of you have sent me the AOL recent guide, “15 Burgers to Try Before You Die”. Unfortunately, they’re all over the country so you probably will die before you try them all, and from what I know about many of them, you won’t really give a damn if you miss them. I don’t know who put the column together but YOU voted. I’m not sure who you is, but you know, doncha? 

So without further adieu, here are AOL’s list of the Best in America. And my comments of course. Didya expect any less?

1-      All-American Drive-in – Massapequa, N.Y. – G and I drove by when we were back on Long Island for my Tenth High School reunion. It’s in a tiny A-frame smaller than most DQ’s. I passed it several times trying to find Carvel’s, which does have America’s Best Soft Service Ice Cream. It’s right next door. The most popular bugger is the double-double. Ever been to Bud’s Bar in Sedalia? Same thing. I asked some of the locals at the reunion about it. Got mostly good comments but is it a real bugger? No.

2-      Chris Madrid’s – San Antonio, TX. Wanna Macho Burger? Here’s the place. For starters, it comes on paper. I usta get them that way at Chili’s, insisted on a real plate. One time they sed no, ain’t been back since. The macho bugger ($4.99) is larger than the regular ($4.09) but don’t know the size of either. When I called to ask if they cooked to order, the dude told me he didn’t know and hung up.

3-      CityGrille - Denver, CO. This local fav (321 E Colfax Ave, 303/861-0666) won the best bun award, and I agree. It’s a terrific bun. Unfortunately the bugger just doesn’t quite get there for my Top Ten list, but it is a real bugger. They do have the best green chili in town and lotsa other fantastic foods. Parking is free after 3 pm. The Denver list goes like this after CityGrille: Jim’s Burger Haven (ugh); Cherry Cricket (just a notch better than CityGrille); Bud’s Bar (Sedalia); My Brother’s Bar (most expensive bugger in town and the boss is arrogant); Rodney’s (in my TT); CityPub South (sister of CityGrille); 1515 Restaurant (JL and my #1 rated 3 years ago); and Bang! (the bun was so overwhelming I couldn’t taste the meat).

4-      Dick’s Drive In – Seattle, WA. The buggers are fresh, but “it’s all about the special sauce with zingy bits of pickle.” I was advised by my WCA (West Coast Advisor) that last year’s winner, Red Mill Burgers, is “awesome”. This year’s winner is “really cheap but very good”. A local drive-in mini-chain of five, Dick’s is the oldest fast-food restaurant in Washington. The meat is delivered fresh each day and then the cooks do their thing. Don’t care. Not a real bugger.

5-      Goldyburgers – Chicago, IL. One of hundreds of Chicago-area neighborhood saloons – this one in Forest Park since 1926 - that serve terrific grub along with your beverage of choice. A full half-pound bugger is the norm, this one being a real bugger. They will up the size to a Big Daddy at three quarters of a pound for an extra shekel or two. Sounds yummy, will visit next trip to the Windy City. By the way, who knows why Chicago is called the Windy City?

6-      In-N-Out-Burger – Los Angeles. Most are in Southern and Central California, several in Northern California, Arizona and Nevada. We have our own version in Denver: Old School Burgers, two open and more to come. Tasty, yeah. Fresh meat, yeah. Great fries, yeah. A real bugger, neh. Read the rules. Daughter Camille and her hubby Ted would kill for a dozen INO’s, but sorry, Charlie, ain’t the real thing. Most are drive-ins.

7-      Jack’s Old-Fashion Hamburger - Oakland Park, FL. Another QSR (fast food joint) but this one with character – or is it characters? Fresh ground, hand-packed, and a third or half pound buggers, sounds good, but is it so? Even tho they are labeled as fast food, they do cook ‘em to order, so they are real buggers.

8-      O’Connell’s Pub – St. Louis. So juicy they could dribble down your chin (onto your nice clean shirt – get a Tide® to Go stick. Wear a bib. Ooh, cooked to order, and a large, nine-ounce patty. Yes, this appears to be a real bugger. Too bad you have to go to St. Louis to try one. I’ll do it!

9-      Peter Luger – Brooklyn, NY. America’s greatest steak house has to serve a terrific bugger. I will let you know in about six weeks, cuz G and me and ‘Lil Emma will be there. AOL sez the “most succulent burger in the world”. I believe them, but just this once.

10-  Roaring Fork – Scottsdale, AZ. A James Beard Award winner chef, such a deal! So how’s the Bugger? Called the Big-Ass Burger, let’s check it out. Take note that in the Phoenix area, second place went to Red Robin, and if that don’t tell you what to think about the first place winner, what will? Ok, the BAB is 12 ounces, that’s good. And since the menu is rather upscale, I assume they will cook to order, but it’s a dinner only joint and the BAB is offered on the saloon menu, so I assume its good but I ain’t going. OK, it’s hereby forthwith declared a real bugger.

11-  Stanich’s – Portland, Or. “The Special” is a whopping quarter of a pound. Sorry, you’re out. And if you weren’t out already, serving it with ham, fried egg, bacon and cheese would put you down the tube.

12-  Tessaro’s – Pittsburgh, PA. But it’s in Pittsburgh! Located in the Little Italy section of town, that’s good. Fresh ground, hand-packed, half pound, hmmm, might have to reconsider. Charbroiled. Steak and filet added to the mix. What mix? Isn’t filet “steak”? Hmmm. What else is “in the mix”? Dumb writers anyway.  But they cook ‘em medium rare, so looks like another real bugger.

13-  Thurman Café – Columbus, OH. Located in Germantown, Columbus’ answer to Lodo, this “mammoth” burger is three quarters of a pound with all sorts of stuff on it. But we’ll rip off the ham and cheese and crap and take it to its nekked self. Cuz this is the town of my alma mater, The Ohio State University. And don’t even think of leaving out the “The”. They make smaller buggers if you can’t handle the big guy. They’ll cook ‘em any way you want. Sure, we’ll class it as a real bugger.

14-  Val’s Burgers – San Francisco, CA. Actually located in Hayward, this is the biggest sucka on our list. A full one-pound behemoth called the Papa competes with the half-pound or third-pound bugger. Hand-packed, charbroiled, and cooked to order, this makes Val’s a contender with a real bugger.           

15-  96th St. Steakburgers – Indianapolis, IN. Shudda saved that “but it’s in…” line for here. Made to order is not the same as cooked to order. Fresh baked toasted bun, very good. Crispy pickles, not impressed. Menu looks like standard quarter-pound fare, cuz they got pix of double buggers and you know what that means. Sorry, no can do.

This has been a strange experience trying to figure out what’s good across the country. I’m not sure how the above got ranked, altho I noted that they are listed as regional winners for the year. The list changes every year, so if you don’t see you fav, vote again next year, and use the Fox Voting System, VEVO (Vote Early Vote Often).

   Cya.

In his real life Jay Fox is a CPA. He offers all kinds of good tax planning advice, financial calculators and the latest in tax news at his website: www.jayfoxcpa.com. He just writes this column for the money.