LIFE IS JUST A BOWL OF CHERRIES

February 28, 2006

“Where do you go to get anorexia?” – Shelley Winters

I SAY TO G, “WHAT’S FOR DINNER?” G sez to me, “Whatever you want to get…at Whole Foods.” See, I told you guys, that I would rue the day when Whole Foods opened at Belmar in Lakewood, less than two miles from my house. And now I do. 

I luv Belmar. You know that cuz I’ve written about it more than any other area of this state. I think the current number is 17 eateries in that development, the most beautiful, picturesque, clean and fun shopping, eating and living development I’ve ever been to. Check it out. www.belmarcolorado.com 

Last December, at 444 S. Wadsworth Blvd (303/935-5000; www.wholefoods.com), they opened the biggest and bestest Whole Foods in that great chain of food emporiums. And I have regretted (most of) it ever since. Why? I’ll tellya. 

We stop in Sunday nite after visiting G’s 98 year-old grandmother. It’s about 7 pm, and we are there to pick up something to take home for dinner. G and I rarely like the same thing there; she’s into their pasta and salads, and I’m into The Beef. Or The Pork. Or The Poultry. Or the Wonderfully Fresh Seafood. Or The Deli. But not the foo foo. Neither of us can pass the desserts. 

We start with the breads. I spot a loaf of rustic Italian wheat bread. Sounded good to make me a nice thick sangie. Mosey over to the deli where my right eye lights on some Niman Ranch ham. Part of the problem at Whole Foods is that they will let you sample darn near anything. So G and I sample the ham. Ooooh, yummy. A rather salty but single muscle ham with great texture.  I’ll take a pound and a half of that. We mosey to the next counter where the left eye spies Sonoma Chicken Salad with grapes and pecans. “Would you care for a sample, sir? You betcha bippie”, replies moi. Ummmm ummm good. I’ll take a pound of that stuff. Next to that dish is the Charleston Chicken Salad, with BBQ rub, melted cheese, tomatoes and secret stuff. G samples that and, you guessed, it, orders up a pound or so of that. 

Next to the deli items they have this enormous potato latke (pancake) that looks like the most divine thing ever. Gotta try it. Not available for sampling cuz it’s one gigantic pancake, but the cooks tells us that two minutes in the fry pan at home will be perfect. Yeah, OK, just one of those. Only weighs a half-pound. 

Am I sounding like Rachel Ray? I can’t stand her travel with Rachel And Rave About Every Damn Thing I Taste Show. Everything she tastes in her tour of America tastes good and gets the same exact mmmmm. good. Why doesn’t that gal spit something out, and holler, “YUK!” Boo on her. I think her travel show sucks. 

Anywho, are you keeping track? We now have a whole loaf of bread and four pounds of food. Not salads, not pasta, but real, stick to the ribs food. But we keep on moseying. Pass on all that packaged stuff, hot dogs and the like. Nothing wrong with those items, but we are into SAMPLING. Now we’re at the seafood department and I can smell Big Trouble. Super Chef Matt Cheatham is at his grilling station. God, I can’t stand it…G sez “Let’s have some fish and chips!”  Do I fight and say, No, dear, we have enuf food for an army, let’s go home and eat it? Not moi. Is it cuz I never say “no” to G unless I want to face the wrath of The Perfect Woman? No, I am not a coward. It’s just that fish and chips sounded really good. And Chef Matt has made them for us before and not only is the seafood at WF the best there is, but Chef Matt cooks everything to perfection. So we order fish and chips for two. Last month he cooked me a wonderful halibut sangie. Is halibut sangies on the menu? No, but they sell packaged halibut. Chef Matt went over to the case, got a halibut patty, cooked me up a wonderful sangie.  

While waiting and watching all the activity, G peruses the menu and tells me that they have a jumbo six shrimp cocktail for about seven bucks. Hmmm. Not being the type to pass on my favorite munchie in the world for such a reasonable price, I order one. The only thing wrong with that shrimp cocktail is that G ate two of MY shrimp. The best I’ve had in Denver is at McCormick and Schmick’s in the Tech Center. This was just as good at half the price.  

Since I hadn’t had any food, and forgetting the rule about not shopping for food just before dinner, I moseyed to the other side of the counter and picked up a pound of muh all time WF fav: smoked tuna salad. Then G spots Maryland Blue crab cakes, and wouldn’t they go terrific with the potato latkes that we’re not going to eat tonite? So we get a couple of those. 

I’ve now completely lost count of how much food we have, and I’ve probably forgotten to tell you about something else we bought that nite. Suffice to say the fish and chips were splendid. I think the tab for all the grub was around $110, but worth every dime. Or dollar. 

I can’t leave the story without reporting that everything isn’t always perfect or wonderful at WF. We’ve bought a few items in the past from the prepared food section that weren’t cooked properly, altho if you report it to the store management, they will make it right. Oh, not management. They don’t have managers. They have team members and team leaders. I puke every time I hear that phrase. It’s like, you are no longer a customer at King Stoopers; you are a Guest. Well, if I’m a “guest”, then quit charging me for the stuff and give it to me for free! Hotels have guests. Supermarkets have customers.   

One day I called the store to report a problem with something we bought there and asked for the store general manager. The operator was completely flustered, and informed me that there was no such thing. There were team leaders and she asked which team leader I wanted. I told her I wanted the head team leader. She replied that each department was separate and each had their own team leaders. Frustrated, I calmly asked if there was some person in charge of all the team leaders. She sighed and connected me with a very nice gentleman and we had a lovely chat.  

Part of the problem is that this store is so new, and there are so many employees – each department is almost over-staffed with workers. As busy as they get, you rarely have to wait for service. That can cause problems. It takes time to train everyone the way they need to be trained, and I suspect that there are some employees who will never make the grade and haven’t been weeded out yet. 

But as busy as this store is, everyone I talk to is tickled to death that they are in Lakewood, and love the huge prepared foods sections. And most of the time the grub is cooked to perfection. 

If you haven’t been to this store, it’s like no other. Besides the departments I’ve mentioned, they have many more. There’s a huge pasta section where they will cook your favorite pasta. You can set and eat it right there. Next to that is the extensive salad bar, and its all there. The bakery, altho not cheap, will drive your sweet tooth up into your brain and out the top of your head. Fresh store-made breads and rolls are everywhere. The meat department is gigantic and offers everything imaginable including 47,003 different sausages.  

The store even has a knick-knack section, clothing, all the groceries you need, a maaavelous floral department, and the freshest veggies and fruits in town. 

Remember. They will cook, on site, just about anything you want  Also, you did take note that neither G nor I purchased any dessert items. We know how to control ourselves. 

Cya.

In his real life Jay Fox is a CPA. He offers all kinds of good tax planning advice, financial calculators and the latest in tax news at his website: www.jayfoxcpa.com. He just writes this column for the money.