TOILET PAPER, TOOTHPICKS AND THONG BIKINIS
“The one thing better than sex is finding a parking spot in Cherry Creek North.” – Michael Floorwax
SINCE I USED “RANTING AND RAVING” last week, I needed a new title for this column. Let’s start with TP. I have lots of problems with it. Years ago I had, what I shall delicately refer to as, “butt surgery”. After the operation it was rather painful to discharge “stuff”. Then I noticed the labeling on the roll of TP. It sed, “Ideal for use in septic tanks”. Some forty years later the packaging on several brands still delivers the same message. Ever since that day long ago, I have treated my butt with tender, loving care. If it ain’t Charmin Ultra, I don’t buy it.
Do you know how many varieties of TP dispensers there are? I presume the woman’s side is the same as the men’s. First, there is the “try-and-find-it” model. You know the one, it has two giant rolls side by side and the plastic cover hides the end. You reach under and can’t find the damn end, can you? Some of them have a little slider that is painted the same color as the cover soes you cant read it. It supposedly does something to aid in the search, but those models are few and far between. Besides, when you want TP you ain’t in any mood to read instructions on anything!
Then there’s the cheap restaurateur who buys single roll TP. He hasn’t figured out that many of us will use about six times as much single roll TP as we would double roll. He’s the same dude that uses paper napkins, the 4” by 6” size. C below.
Then there’s the dispenser that holds two rolls, one of which sits on a rack above the lower roll. And the lower roll is always empty. And you can’t get the damn upper roll to come down. I don’t think they do!
Note that ladies often have couches, love seats and other accessories to make their time in the “facility” more enjoyable. Well, if you had to take off all the stuff that they do and put all that stuff back on, you’d be worn out too. What about the women who still wear girdles and things? They probably need a massage before they can go back to their table, poor theeennngggs. Don’t get me started on diaper-changing stations.
Paper Towel Dispensers. Remember old El Cheapo from above? He’s the dude with the brown paper towel dispensers. Sure brown can be as good as white. But it ain’t. Cuz they don’t make good brown, only cheap brown. I hate ‘em. Not as much as air dryers that save on paper. I’m surprised they haven’t come out with butt dryers. Probably do in Amsterdam. What if you want to dry your mouth? Most don’t turn. And of course you have to wait about 14 minutes for the sucka to get warm. Older joints have those cloth things that you pull and they reload themselves with clean towel. LOL. Ceptin they’re always filthy cruddy dirty. Those aren’t available in new joints; guess they quit making them. Probably quit making the towels too. My least favorite is these new thingies, paper in a round dispenser, and you pull down in the middle. Sometimes you get a glob of paper that won’t dry your pinkie. Other times you rip the damn thing and you get nothing. I like the places that spend a nickel and give you a firm cloth napkin. Even if really paper.
Napkins. I hate paper napkins. I’m told decent linen napkins cost about a nickel a piece. I figure I use at least 15 cents worth of paper cuz I’m a slob and need lots of help. So there’s a five-cent savings. That’s cuz I need two linen napkins soes I can put on my bib holder. See, G gets mad if I make a bib and she gets mad if I spill something on my shirt, so since she’s gonna get mad anyway, might as well have a clean shirt rather than a dirty one. Even worse is Super Cheapo who uses the itsy bitsy, teenie weenie (not thong … yet) 4 x 6 inch napkin - measured fully open. Takes about 97 of them at a one-burrito meal. I’ve been known to bring my own towels to lunch at certain eateries.
Toothpicks. Who was the nerd that decided to make toothpicks mint-flavored? Probably the same dude that invented flat toothpicks. Round is the only way to go, NO mint.
Cutlery. Y’all might call it tableware or silverware. If you call it something else, you’re probably from Souff Carlina. (No, ain’t a typo). What’s with the plastic crap in a sit-down restaurant? All them BBQ places don’t want you to enjoy your meal with real utensils, have to give you plastic. Plastic is fine for take out (we’ll get to that in a sec), but eating a meal in a restaurant? Bah humbug. Goes with baskets. They should be outlawed. I haven’t been in a Chili’s in years for two reasons. One, they serve baskets with the food. Ain’t nothing messier than picking up a nice, juicy (usta be) bugger and having it drip in and thru the basket and onto your trousers. I once threatened to start a campaign to encourage all diners to throw the plastic baskets away, but the nerds at Chili’s probably wouldn’t even notice. Two, they won’t cook muh bugger rare anymore. I hate plastic anything to eat with. If they can’t afford real cutlery, raise the price or close. Speaking of real cutlery, I mean REAL. Not this ¼ of an ounce stuff that is gray in color and you think its cutlery. Until you lift it and figure ain’t no one is gonna steal this crap.
Takeout. I’ve ranted about this before, but how does a restaurant justify charging for takeout. Years ago I got into a big to-do over it with Tony Roma’s. They charged 50 cents for takeout. I called all over town and found out the cost for the average TR takeout was $.18. So they make a little profit on the stuff. But in addition, they don’t have to pay for wait staff, dishwashers, dishes, glassware, tables and chairs, utilities and the list goes on. If a restaurant could do only takeout, they could make lots more moola.
Condiments. Years ago one of muh fav Lakewood eateries started using paper for Grey Poupon mustard. They told me that they were tossing tons of mustard cuz folks would use their knives to spread ketchup or some other condiment and then stick the knife in the mustard jar and other diners complained about it. OK. Lotsa places use paper for mayonnaise, I assume for the same reason. Well, I have two comments. I don’t like them but you can buy squeezable containers that will avoid the problem, for the most part. There are folks who will unscrew the top (like me) and do the knife thing. But not a lot. Or, in the alternative, when you see someone doing it, punch em out. Oops, G won’t want me to say that. Scratch that last idea. Bill them for the jar of mustard and wrap it for them to take home.
Speaking of home, I’m worn out from all that ranting and raving. I’m going home. Have some gelato. Chocolate fudge. The kids don’t know about it and by the time they read this, it’ll be long gone.
Oh. Thong bikinis. Sure do like ‘em.
Cya.
NMMNG Jay Fox’s column can be viewed at his web site, www.jayfoxcpa.com, along with the past two plus year’s of dining columns. You will also find all kinds of good tax planning advice, financial calculators and the latest in tax news. In his real life Jay is a CPA. He just writes this column for the money.