FAT IS BACK!

In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and chains. Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale.” – Stephen Phillips

February 9 , 2005

FINALLY, AMERICANS HAVE WISED UP and discovered that dieting sucks. Yes, the trendy low carbohydrate dieting, the preponderance of “tol’s” (Amytol, Zylitol, Maltitol, and Sorbitol and other “tol”s) is finding its supporters switching back to their old dieting habits, mostly starvation. Or, they’ve given up after not losing much weight at all, and are back to not dieting. You’ve noticed the ads: Monster buggers, super size everything. Burger King is experimenting with something called the “Enormous Omelet Sandwich”. Carl’s, Jr. is now boasting a “Double Six Dollar Burger” with a full pound of (inedible burnt very well-done too lean) meat that is selling like…buggers.  I was in Alamosa a few weeks ago and had a Monster bugger at a new place in town, sucka must been a full pound, very tasty. The nite before I had an even bigger bugger at the Outhouse ‘N east of town and that one was even yummier. Cuz it had more fat. And it came with an unbelievably huge portion of greasy super delish french fries. Take them away! Bring them back! Many of the low carbohydrate products that were introduced last May at the National Restaurant Association Show in Chicago either have cut back on production, or have eliminated some products altogether. I suspect at this May’s show there will be few such items on the market. I’m kinda disappointed though. Some of the products that came to market last year actually tasted decent. There was something like low carb wheat hot dog buns that King Stoopers put out. That stuff was almost as bad as no fat mayo, and the only thing worse than no fat mayo is no fat cream cheese. Try one of those low fat tuna sangies at Einstein Bros; there’s something that will twist and turn your tummy. Great bagels with garbage atop of it. Ugh.  Alas, Dr. Atkins didn’t live to see his diet zoom into popularity, and nor did he have to suffer the pain and agony when it, like the proverbial submarine, did a  “dive, dive, dive”. The trend is now back to fattier foods and larger portions. But there will be a new diet along most anytime. Weight Watchers, the one diet I have never tried, appears to be the most successful of all diets over the years. The only problem with it is there’s no fun in cheating on this diet. So I’ll stick to my meat, salad and ice cream diet. Or perhaps my new aerobic diet; don’t know which one I’ll favor during tax season. I think what has happened, is that folks are tired of eating different things. I think they want to enjoy food and eat what they want when they want it. I would expect the trend to be cutting back on portions, yet food purveyors are pouring on the Bigger and Better sangies and desserts and entrees.  We know that scientists can manufacture a pill that will give us all the nutrients we need to live every day to the fullest, but no one wants it cuz then there wouldn’t be any thing to eat and taste good. So why can’t those same scientists invent some food that has all the diet stuff that dieting will do for us, and throw in some heavy exercising as well? That way we could eat all we want and what we want without fear of becoming… no I don’t think I can say that word… obese. Hee hee hee. A while back I saw this TV show and someone used the word, “extraordinarily large”. I like that phrase. I feel thinner already. G and I don’t watch TV much anymore. Not real TV. We have TIVO. Oh, my. Better than sliced bread. Haven’t seen a commercial in months. Just double-fast forward and its gone. A one-hour show is now about 42 minutes. Think of all the time you can save. Actually I don’t save time, I just get less sleep. Now I go home at midnite and instead of going straight to bed, I check the TIVO to see what programs it recorded that day for me to watch. And so I watch. Before TIVO I just didn’t get to watch much of anything until summer when the reruns started. Now I don’t know what I’ll do when summer comes around. Maybe get a summer job. Just to take something away from some teenager who really needs the job. Who’s a curmudgeon?  Lent is here again. I suppose the Cuda (haven’t talked about her much lately, must correct that) will do her annual giving up of sweets. I reported several years ago that the Cuda, G and I were at breakfast one Sunday morning – G and I enjoy Sunday brunch, and we often invite the Cuda. After tossing down a monstrous breakfast, the Cuda orders an apple Danish. “Aha!’ shout I, “What are you doing with that pastry? Didn’t you give up sweets for Lent?” I asked. “Yes I did”, she said, “but this isn’t sweets. It has apple in it, so its fruit!”  I never win with her. I will give up my four usuals: skydiving, cigars, baby-sitting Orangutans, and eating fried-okra. I’ve given up the same thing for many years, so many in fact that I’m rarely asked to baby-sit Orangutans anymore. I may have to find something else to give up in its place next year.    I’m getting ready to make plans for my Big Trip back east in May. May 21 – 24, 2005 – the National Restaurant Association Food and Hospitality Show – Chicago May 26, 2005 – The Hamburger Hall of Fame - Seymour, Wisconsin May 28 – 30, 2005 – The First Annual National Hamburger Festival – Akron, Ohio. There’s gonna be lots of hamburger recipes, and I plan on tasting a coupla hun. Robert Menches, the Akron dude, whose family still sells buggers, made his first with brown sugar, coffee and other spices. And they still sell ‘em made that way in his family’s stores in Akron. Wonder if I can get one rare? Wonder if it would be edible that way?

   Update on Belmar. I continue to spend too much money eating at Belmar. Had breakfast the other day at Ted’s Montana Grill (330 S. Teller St, 303/922-7770; www.tedsmontanagrill.com), just G and I, cost me over $400. That’s cuz G made a few stops on the way to the car. Sur La Table, Chico’s, Coldwater Creek, Brighton Collectibles, and a few others. From now on I’m parking illegally right in front of wherever it is we eat. Even if they tow my car, it’s cheaper. We’ve had dinner about 400 times at The Oven (7167 W. Alaska Dr, 303/934-7600; www.Tarbells.com). The pizza is the just like the pizza that you’ll find in Italy: thin baked crust, but not soft like a New York pizza. The menu expands every week as gm Brian Cauley discovers what his customers like. Watch for the opening of The Oven’s sister eatery, Home, the new upscalery (a new word I just invented). Another Mark Tarbell fine dining restaurant. It’s coming this spring/summer/fall to Belmar. Last week G and I discover Frisco’s (7057 W. Alaska Dr, 303/936-3354; www.friscosdeli.com),  a fantastic little deli in the block east of The Oven. They have some really unusual and exotic deli/grocery items as well as some excellent grub. The Boar’s Head brand meats are quite good. Quite. And the house-made cheesecake is quite yummy. Also quite. 

   Cya.