DRIVING TO THE POOR HOUSE IN MY BENTLEY

January 25, 2005

 “Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.” –  Fran Lebowitz 

    I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO OWN MY OWN RESTAURANT. Over the years some of you have asked why I don’t have one, and the simple, honest answer is that couldn’t hack it. I truly believe that there is no tuffer, more time-consuming, fraught with frustration enterprise in the world. It has the longest hours of any business I can think of - except the tax preparation business for a scant 10 weeks. It has a greater chance of failing than any other type of business – something like 88% fail in the first five years. There is no business on this Earth that relies so heavily on the honesty and efficiency of other employees. And it requires that the owner be a good businessman, a smart marketer, an accountant, a preacher, a doctor and a psychotherapist. The owner has to know something about food preparation, safety, purchasing and 47,003 other different tasks. Having sed all that, I still have that dream.  

Last week was the anniversary of Martin Luther King, Jr’s birth. While I’m not terribly happy that he has his own “day” but my lifelong idol, Abraham Lincoln, has to share his “day” with George Washington, cuz I’m old enuf to remember when Abe had his day and George had one ten days later. I don’t begrudge MLK anything, but why did they have to merge Abe and George? I would gladly give up July 4^th. Or National Gas Day.  

Anywho, I spent most of last week, as I do every year, in the San Luis Valley visiting clients, gathering tax information, and getting some rest from the two-week grind that preceded the week, and in anticipation of the grueling several weeks coming up. I also had a fair amount of time during my driving between various towns and cities in the Valley to reflect. I suppose one of the things I have reflected most about over the years is my dream. So here I am back at owning a restaurant, or at least dreaming about it. Maybe the fact that I am dining at some of the states finest and funnest eateries on the trip also jogs the brain a bit. So, without further adieu, this is what my restaurant might be like. 

It’s gonna be one Fine Eatery. Upscale. Expensive. The finest of everything. Del Frisco, Capital Grille, Rioja, look out baby, here comes Fox’s Restaurant.  

No kids under 14.  Maybe not under 18; haven’t fixed on the magic number yet. I love kids. But not here. Take them to a nice restaurant when they can behave, but at my restaurant its parents nite out. Casual dress. I want your money, I want you to be comfortable and I want you to relax, enjoy, kick back, and have the finest meal of your life.  

Service will be stupendous. Not condescending as some are. You’ll never know that your server or busser is around. Ceptin when it’s time to take your order or you need something. The staff will be dressed either in tuxedos or something equally classy but maybe not that formal. 

The server will know the expansive menu inside and out. He or she will have tasted every dish on the menu; know how it is prepared, and what the basic ingredients are. They will be able to understand any special dietary needs you may have, and respond to any questions you may have about allergy issues. The kitchen will have a list of every single ingredient in every dish and yes, there will be over-the-counter medications available in the unlikely event someone has an allergic reaction to some dish, or a simple headache that needs addressing.  

The menu will be elegant but informative. You will never be served a dish only to exclaim “Oh my! I didn’t expect anything like that!” There won’t be any item on the menu, even a simple steak with a name and no information about the dish. And what the menu lacks in information the server will be able to supplement. There will be prices on all the menus. We want your spouse or your guests to know how much you are willing to spend to make their evening that enjoyable. 

There will be no smoking in the restaurant, but I would have a separate structure serving the finest cognacs and finest cigars for those so inclined. Might have to have a room without the cigars for those of us (like moi) who would luv a great Armagnac sans smoke. There will be complementary valet parking at both lunch and dinner.  

The menu. 

I suppose it would include all the things that a fine restaurant should have. The menu will change regularly, probably monthly. There will be lotsa meat, fresh seafood, pasta and specialty dishes for our vegetarian friends. There will be house made soups and salads. Just about everything will be made from scratch. The portions will be large but not too. None of these foo foo dishes with a single green bean, or a 4 oz serving of anything. You won’t ever leave hungry but we’ll make sure you have room for dessert. Most desserts will be house-made but some will be purchased if someone else can make the dessert I want to serve better than I can. There are some unbelievable desserts that are made by national purveyors. 

Certainly the menu will include the things I crave: tuna sangies, giant buggers, house-made ice cream and gelato. Maybe even a good New York hotdog. Neh, no hotdogs. I’d probably have the tuna sangies available for me and by request, but not on the menu. You know, some dude comes in, sez he wants a tuna sangie, we got it. I ask lots of places and they never have it. And they should. I asked at Ted’s Montana Grill last nite and no tuna sangie available.  

There’ll be… lemon cake from Del Frisco’s, cold smoked salmon (lox) from Capital Grille, bread from the Denver Bread Company, filets from Luke’s, fresh sturgeon from McCormick’s et al, buggers from 1515 Restaurant, mussels from Le Central, and pasta from Panzano. There’ll be hot chocolate from Rioja, a roast turkey chop from Manhattan Grill, and bread pudding from Tante Louise. There’ll be a cheese soufflé from Maisonette in Cincinnati, Caesar salad from Fiore’s in Las Vegas, escargot from Galatoire’s in New Orleans, porterhouse steaks from Peter Luger’s in New York, and malts from any luncheonette in New York City. And lots more.  

If someone asks for something in my restaurant, and it isn’t on the menu but the stuff is in the kitchen, we’ll make it. If you want something special and ask in advance, we’ll get the ingredients and make the dish. Course the customer is gonna pay for it, but that’s what my restaurant is all about. No rip-off tho. Fair prices for what you get. I remember years ago Warren Byrne talking about the original Rattlesnake Club owned by Jimmy Schmidt and Michael McCarty (boy, there’s some old time names) in the Tivoli at the Auraria Higher Education Center. “The most expensive restaurant in town but worth every dime.” That’s what you’ll say about Fox’s. 

Lemme tell you what it won’t be. It won’t be noisy, it won’t be crowded, and there’ll be lots of room for you and your guests to talk and breath without worrying about the folks at the next table. It won’t be avant-garde. Cuz I don’t know what avant-garde is.  

I’m lacking a few million dollars for this project, and it will probably never get any further than this column. But like the man sed, “I have a dream”. And without dreams, who are we? 

Cya.