THE DOCTOR’S DIET

December 2 , 2004

“We never repent of having eaten too little.” – Thomas Jefferson

G doesn’t go to the doctor very often, but she did have her annual checkup a few weeks ago. Since I ignore my doctor’s call for a good diet, G decided to ask her doctor for some suggestions that might encourage me to do something other than attempt a diet that to, my mind, causes starvation. Well, Dr. Peter Hansen at Lifetime Family Practice (2425 S. Colorado Blvd, 303/757-1004) came up with the following advice:

Dr. Peter Hansen’s “Make Your Mother Mad” Diet

1. Skip meals.
2. Don’t eat everything on your plate.
3. Spoil your appetite. Eat a snack just before dinner; you’ll eat less dinner.
4. You don’t need to balance each meal. Just have the meat. Or the vegetable. Or the starch. Eat whatever you want to eat.
5. Throw away food. Send a check to UNICEF for your conscience.
6. No gimmicks. Low carb is a gimmick. All Atkins patients I have seen gain all their weight back plus 50% more. As a physician, I have never seen it give consistent weight loss. Extreme low fat diets also do not work consistently in the long term. People say it works – it does in the short term, not in the long term.
7. Go to bed without dinner. Get into the habit of making dinner a snack or just a dessert.
8. Eat dessert first. You may not want to eat anything else. That means less calories overall.
9. It’s OK to eat before bed. Calories in the morning are not better than those in the evening.
10. Grazing is Good.
11. Have good things to snack on and get rid of the big bad snacks (cookies, chips, etc.)
12. Learn calories – make a “budget”. But also eat what you crave. Don’t feel guilty, but don’t eat over your budget every day. Do it just a few days a month.
13. Figure out if you eat for guilt, for fatigue, for boredom, and then make substitutes.
14. Weigh yourself only after someone says, “Have you lost weight?”
    

Most of what Dr. Pete sez makes sense and some of it I actually follow. I’ve certainly commented in this column before about the advantages of eating dessert first (column dated October 5, 2001). And y’all know that my Modified Atkins Diet is meat, salad and ice cream. So who’s not in favor of Dr. Pete’s diet? If your doctor doesn’t have a sense of humor and takes life way too seriously, give Dr. Pete a call. You and your doctor need to get a life. And besides, Dr. Pete is a terrific family doctor. Give him a call at 303/757-1004. You’ll be glad you did.

On the subject of dieting, I have in my hot little hands, The Doctor’s Pocket Calorie, Fat & Carbohydrate Counter plus the Diabetes Diet Guide, plus counters on anything you can think of to count. Wow! This 236-pound (diet book, get it?) pocket guide, about $7 in your local store, has it all, including info on hundreds of restaurants and what’s good and bad in them, and all the things you can eat and the things you don’t dare eat. Just keep Dr. Pete’s diet in mind as you go thru this guide, or any guide for that matter.

Let’s have some fun. I went to the website that the book’s author recommends, www.calorieking.com, where you can find information on over 40,000 food items. First I looked up Chicken of the Sea chunk light tuna, canned in oil. The first thing that bothered me was the serving size. I always read the serving size first cuz I think the guy who comes up with the “serving size” has to be a masochist. Who else would deny themselves the pleasures of food? Imagine. Some dude has determined that a half-gallon of ice cream is sixteen servings. SIXTEEN SERVINGS? Give me a break. I mean, what do you do, get out a syringe and suck out some ice cream? Folks, a half-gallon of ice cream is good for maybe four servings. Three if it’s really good.

This can of tuna, what usta be a 7-oz. can, now a 6-oz can, is listed as two servings. TWO SERVINGS? Wrong. Two cans might make one serving, if you ain’t too hungry. Meat. 3-oz. of meat is what them nutritionists/dieticians like to use for a serving. Yeah, right. Two pounds makes a better serving. I think the average nutritionist is 4’ 9’ tall and weighs a whopping 76 lbs. Cuz man, they can’t be very big to survive on what they tell us to eat. Have you noticed? A half-gallon of Dreyer’s Ice Cream is now 1-¾ quarts. 16 servings went to 14 servings. I’m waiting for that tuna to go down to minus one ounce.

Anywho. This two-ounce serving of tuna in oil has 106 calories, 1 gram of saturated fat, 30 mg of cholesterol, 250 mg of sodium, 0 carbs, 0 sugars, 13 grams of protein, 54 calories from fat, 52 calories from protein, 0 calories from alcohol (thank goodness for that) and 0 calories from carbohydrates. I am afraid to eat this stuff. What does all that mean? Dr. Pete is right. Eat what you want, skip a meal or two now and then, eat dessert first, go to bed a little hungry, and as we usta say in Massapequa Park, don’t sweat the small stuff. But have fun with the book and the website. Maybe you’ll find something actually informative and useful.

There’s a new diet pill that I read about today. It sez you can lose 20 lbs or so without exercise. I’m gonna get some of that stuff, see if it works. Because this medicine Dr. Stan has me on just keeps the weight right where it is. Don’t matter if I eat or not, I don’t lose an ounce. G sez I’m not overweight. Just a bit too short. Should be 9’, 4”.

What are we to do about things that are bad for us and also good for us? Dark chocolate is now very good for you. A glass of red wine in the evening soothes the body and the mind, good for your heart and sleep. How are we to deal with all these conflicts? Dr. Stan sez if I am going to eat ice cream, eat the good stuff cuz it’s not any worse than the bad stuff. So if I’m going to “sin”, make it a good one. I have searched and searched for the answer to the fat man’s prayer. And now I can tell you and the world. I have the answer.

I found the answer. With the aid of this book, I have the perfect diet. Better than any diet you’ve ever been on or heard of. Forget South Beach. That’s just a fad, like all the rest. Are you ready?

It’s called the Selection Diet. Invented by NMMNG Jay Fox. I’m gonna have to patent it. Or copyright it. Or whatever you do to it. Here’s how it works. You take that book I mentioned earlier. Has all them facts. Calories, carbs, fats. As an example. I go to Koo Koo Roo, get a half rotisserie chicken, 11.3 oz. There’s a whopping 655 calories, 34 things of fat, but only 2 carbs. I’m using the Atkins Selection method. I count carbs. I had a 2-carb dinner. The next day I go to the Old Spaghetti Factory. Hmmm, pasta. There’s spaghetti with tomato and meat sauce, 480 calories but a whopping 84 carbs. Oh, but I now I’m on the Traditional Selection diet. I count calories. And there’s them nutritional/sports shakes? What if you wanna can of ABB Extreme XXL? It’s a screaming 1025 calories and a yipping yiminy 215 carbs. But there ain’t no fat. OK, 0.5 grams. Sooo…Hey, I’m into Fats Selection this day. Where’s the problem? See how it works? There are all these diets, and one of them should be just right for you. Who’s to say you can’t alternate and select the diet best for you day by day?

Cya.