LIFE'S TOO SHORT TO PUT UP WITH CRAP

"I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking." - Katherine Cebrian

July 2 , 2004

LIFE'S TOO SHORT TO put up with bad service and bad food. We spend lots of hours in the office, so, while dining out is a great break from the "trials and tribulations" of the day, we can't always get out of the office.

We have a 26 cubic foot refrigerator freezer replete with icemaker, a microwave oven, a toaster broiler, a sink, and lots of food. We have most every kitchen gadget and utensil known to mankind. There is even a blender for the Slim Fast malts when we've been too long without carbs. When the Chicken of the Sea tuna (packed in Canola oil) gets down to one case on the shelf, I go into panic mode.

So for the past four or five years, we've relied upon the fine folks at Schwan's Food Service to bring us some of our food products. These are the folks that typically deliver to homes rather than offices, but after months of seeing their ugly yellow, usually dirty trucks up and down the roads of Lakewood, I called. And yes, they will take your money wherever it may be.

While their prices are high, some of their products are so good it's worth the extra dough to get it. And convenience is important, especially during tax season when we're here 18 hours a day. Their super premium ice cream, while lacking in selection, is as good as any. Too bad they have a weird shaped container that wont fit in my ice cream saver. They have very good novelty ice creams, good veggies and fruits, and the best damn bugger around. The #436, a third pound hunk of ground chuck with lots of yummy fat. 13 minutes in the broiler (including the pre-heat time) comes out a perfect rare. Damn, is it good!

But alas, all is not well with that Minnesota-based outfit. I don't know if it's the cold winters that freezes their brains, or if it's too much lutefisk, but they just don't show up when they're supposed to. Our driver is supposed to come every other Friday, in the am. Before lunch. For a long period of time last year he came only at lunchtime and of course no one was here to buy anything. For the past three months one fella showed once. Then he quit, Other than that isolated visit, no one has been here at all. I've called Minnesota 'til I'm blue in the face. And no one comes. They are very nice on the tele, and promise me that someone will call me back, but no one calls and no one shows up. And I am down to my last four #436's. Don't even need to look that number up. It's right next to George Bush's tele number in the left side of my brain.

Maybe they ought to open a store in town. Lord knows there are enough empty storefronts for them to put in some freezers and a cash register. Might open such a store myself.

WHAT HAPPENS TO THE BRAIN AFTER YOU GET A GOOD REVIEW? Typically, when a columnist writes a good review of a restaurant, he or she will call the restaurant and tell them about it a few days ahead, cuz usually the restaurant will get slammed for a few days after the review hits the street. And that's so the restaurant can order in extra food, and maybe an extra bus person or cook, particularly if they're not very busy as a norm. But folks, there is no reason for a good restaurant that gets recognized for their achievements to drop dead and die the very day after the review hits the street. But it happened to G and I last Friday nite.

I was looking for a place to take G and my brother and nephew for dinner. They were visiting from Princeton, NJ. We wanted a place with good Italian food in a relaxed atmosphere. We had been to Le Central (112 East 8 Ave, 303/863-8094) earlier in the week and the great food and service had overwhelmed our visitors. It was time for the Italians to strut their stuff. I suggested Oliveto, a good eatery not far from our home.

Last Wednesday, in the Denver Post, Kyle Wagner reviewed that restaurant, Oliveto Cucina Italiana (3355 S. Yarrow St, 303/988-2400). I didn't know about the review at the time I made the reservation, but there was no problem getting in. G told me later that day about the review, but I felt that we were going early enough there should be no problem. Besides, we had been there before and had loved the food. It isn't a very big place, perhaps 65 seats. In fact we had been so impressed with the food and the reasonableness of the prices, we brought the entire family (all 11 of 'usons) for dinner about a year ago. It was maavelous at that time.

As I commented earlier, the only danger in going to a recently reviewed restaurant is that they will be extra busy, perhaps run out of some dishes early. But when you have a 65 seat (or a 250 seat) restaurant and it's a Friday night, you expect to be busy and you have staff and food on hand accordingly. Otherwise, why do you bother opening the doors at all? Well, apparently Oliveto shouldn't have opened their doors.

We arrived right at 6 pm, and were seated immediately. There were perhaps 20 other diners in the restaurant. It took 18 minutes to get water. It seems our W was much too busy frolicking with the four young ladies at the table adjoining ours. As the hostess walked by, I told her that we were waiting a long time, but she told me that it was busy because there was a story about them in the paper earlier in the week. But she assured me that they would take very good care of us. She lied.

I noted that when the hostess went over to our waiter and pointed to our table, he gave one of those "oh, man, I have too much to do now!" looks. He did manage to bring us water. Then a bus person brought bread. Not good bread, perhaps two-day old bread, but it was fine for dipping in the olive oil. Unfortunately, I don't like olive oil and bread, so I asked for butter. The bread with butter was not very good.

After a wait for the W to find his way back to our table, about 15 minutes later, we ordered mussels for an appetizer The W explained the specials of the nite and took our drink orders at the same time. Tough duty.

About 20 minutes later the W came by and told us that the mussels weren't quite ready yet. Duh? Five minutes to steam mussels? Ten minutes later he told us that they still weren't ready. Then he came out with…drum roll, please…calamari. Aha! But we hadn't ordered calamari. And I told him that. He got this sorta "waddaya talking about wrong dish" look. So I sed to him that perhaps someone at another table had ordered the calamari?

But as Paul and Ben were sampling the calamari (G and I had it before and were not impressed with it) a manager type came with our mussels. I have not a clue what happened and I didn't want to know.

At 8:30, our dinners came. But what happened to our salads? "Oh. The kitchen didn't give them to me". "Well, maybe it would be a good idea to find them?" sed I. Then, the tricky part came. He sed he could either bring the salads now (with our entrees) or he could take them off the bill. But, I sed to myself, "Self. The salads aren't on the bill. They come with the dinner". All except G's Caesar Salad. We opted for him bringing the salads.

So now we ate our entrees. Well, some of us did. Most of the dinners, G's in particular, were cold. I had a chicken and sausage dish with cold sausage and scalding hot chicken. The other dishes were acceptable. Ben's eggplant was chopped and chewy. The Cuda's chicken parmigiana was luke warm. My brother Paul eats anything and everything, so it's hard to tell what his dish was like; he had the special seafood dish: fruit de mer.

When W brought the salads, G told him her dish was cold. He offered to zap it or bring something else. She explained that we had plans for Christmas and that wouldn't be acceptable. Nevertheless her dish was on the bill. And which of these fine restaurant staff people were going to call the cops when I explained that I wasn't going to pay for G's dinner? Fortunately a manager came by and I explained about the lousy dinner. She took G's dish off the bill.

It was 9 pm when we left. Now there were people waiting outside for a table. I did suggest to several that they might do better at the Conoco station.

The point here: Don't go to any restaurant within the first two months of opening and expect anything great. Go for the fun and the experience, because they need customers and you might like it. And don't get anywhere the first two weeks of a good review. They're something in the air that screws them up for awhile. We'll try Oliveto again, but not on a weekend and not for a few weeks…or months…or years.

Cya.