FOX ON GIFT CARDS, TIPPING AND STUFF

"I'm in favor of liberalized immigration because of the effect it would have on restaurants. I'd let just about everybody in except the English." - Calvin Trillin

November24, 2003

CAVEAT EMPTOR - OR - DON'T BUY GIFT CARDS CUZ YOU WILL GET SCREWED. Finally, after years of my crabbing (and writing about it in this column), the Wall Street Journal recently had a column on how we're getting screwed by buying gift cards that either have an expiration date or a monthly "service fee", that will eradicate the value of the card in about a year. Places like the Oxford Hotel Salon, Chili's, and a variety of other local joints, will suck up your money faster than G can at Nordstrom's shoe department. The merchant not only has use of your money for all that time, but he also knows that a percentage of you will lose your card. And he still has the balls to limit the time you can redeem the card at face value, even tho his cost is nil.

FOX ON STUFF. Do you know how dentists determine that you should brush your teeth for two minutes? Cuz they take the longest time any human has ever brushed and then add 30 seconds. That's soes you feel guilty when you don't brush for two minutes.

Same thing with Listerine. Who's ever gargled with that stuff for 30 seconds? I gargle daily (when I remember) and 15 seconds is all I can take, I'm ready to go into a coma. So now I feel guilty. Dentists are not nice people. 'Ceptin my dentists, Drs. Spillman and Runnings.

ON TIPPING. I really don't like tipping. I favor the European system, where in most countries the "service charge" is included in the cost of the meal. No grats. Servers, or waitrons if you prefer the futuristic term, would be paid a salary based on merit. The good servers would earn more than the not so good. Kapisch?

Let's say I have a meal with a friend. She orders chicken at $8. I order the filet at $20. Her tip at 20% is $1.60; mine is $4.00. Did I get better service? What if we get really bad service? Most of us are reluctant to tell the manager, that is if we could find one cuz the manager is quite likely locked up in his office doing paperwork instead of being on the dining room floor where he belongs at meal time. Cuz more likely than not, if the manager was doing his job, I probably would never have had to endure the bad service if the manager was on the job.
Nevertheless, this method would be better for customers. Bad servers would be (hopefully) weeded out; they can work at the local Conoco station.

It would be better for customers cuz the good servers could make a decent living and wouldn't have to rely on customers being generous. Those who might make good servers but have stayed away from the industry might take server jobs.

We all have seen the "Little Old Lady Club" come in for lunch. They get the tab and sit there for an hour divvying up the bill. Not only do they not comprehend the tax structure; they don't bother to leave a tip. Of if they feel generous, they round the $4.91 meal up to a whopping $5.00 and ask the server to pay the cashier and "keep the change, sonny". There are a number of restaurateurs in the country who favor converting. Waddaya think?

ON RESERVATIONS. Part B of my plan to revolutionize the industry has to do with reservations. I will NOT stand in line for a table. Hence I have never been to, and never will go to, some good eateries, Cuba Cuba to name just one that comes to mind. They do not take reservations. I guess they have enuf business and that's great. All eateries ain't that fortunate, but have the problem. Why not require a credit card and, if they no show/no cancel, charge the card some nominal amount, say $15 - $25 to compensate the restaurant for the lost profits. That way the customer will know that you don't "no show" on a reservation. In case you haven't noticed, there are some rude people around think that calling to cancel a reservation is beneath them. Or they make reservs a week early for several places that they may want to have dinner at, just soes the restaurant doesn't fill up ahead of them, and figure the restaurant will overbook. And they never call.

With some exceptions, restaurants DO NOT overbook. If you no show, they lose business. And if you're late, that means all the customers behind you will be late also. Let's try and be mindful of the restaurant's needs as well as our own. So waddaya think? Would you be willing to pay $15 or so if you blow off a reservation? Doctors charge for "no shows". You "no show" many area doctors or dentists, and they charge you for the office visit unless you cancel at least 24 hours in advance. And they get their $.

I MADE A BOOBOO. In muh column several weeks ago, I had an incorrect address for Trompeau Bakery. It is 1729 E. Evans Ave, and their tele is 303/698-9682.

BUBBLE AND SQUEAK
Ever had Tammy Davis' (Sweet Rockin' Coffee, 414 E. 20 Ave, 303/318-9788) butterscotch pudding? Only the best ingredients: butter and Scotch... Some of the top eateries have gotten not so hot reviews. On that list are Lola, Barolo Grill, Fourth Story... Had some great meals at the new Yard House (14500 W. Colfax Ave, 303/278-9273) at Colorado Mills in Lakewood. Sorry, no reservs, and they only burn buggers... Several area eateries have lowered menu prices cuz of what they perceive to be a slow economy. Most notably is Vasil's Euro-Grille (7340 S. Clinton St), but in that case, who cares? I purposely left out the tele. Capital Grille (1450 Larimer St, 303/539-2500) opened to a packed house for lunch and dinner last week. Ain't too sure. Seems management has Scott Fickling/The Palm/Blue Suit disease. Time will tell for sure... Carniceria de Lakewood has opened at 1460 Carr Street (303/274-2040). They're open every day from 8 am to 8 pm... Cafe Furr is open at Colfax and High streets, for folks who like to dress in animal clothing. They serve empanadas, pastries and coffee. Each to his own... Roger Turek is the new GM at Sullivan's (1745 Wazee St, 303/295- 2664). Roger was formerly at Morton's of Chicago and other fine eateries. Morton's loss is Sullivan's gain. And Sullivan's serves lunch and dinner. Valet parking available at nite... Radio gaffer Warren Byrne has added two hours to his weekly broadcast on KEZW, 1430 on your AM dial. Tune into the Restaurant Show from 9 am to 1 pm on Saturday and from 4 pm to 7 pm on Wednesday to get the latest dining info. Man, I'd sure like to get paid $350,000 for seven hours of work every week, plus all them freebie trips.

Cya.