ANOTHER DAY AT THE FAST FOOD STORE

November 8, 2003

"No man is lonely while eating spaghetti." - Robert Morley

INTRIGUED by the mailing from Arby's, G and I ordered in. Well, I had to drive there and get it, OK? They don't deliver. I opted for the newest promo item, an Italian Beef 'N Provolone sangie on a toasted artesian baguette. Not just a roll or a bun, a baguette! Sounded so good, I shudda known better. G ordered her fav: two Beef 'N Cheddar sangies with hash brown rather than fries. I got to Arby's at Wads and Jewell at 6 pm, a time that one would consider the dinner hour. I counted 12 folks behind the counter, but alas only one cashier. Hmmm. I waited and waited for the person in front of me to give his order. The cashier was young and untrained but he seemed to be trying. He had a good attitude. But he sure as hell shouldn't have been there by himself without supervision, and there sure could have been more than one cashier.

The cashier didn't know if he could substitute hash browns for fries, so he asked the manager who was standing next to him. She was busy counting out a drawer that was apparently out of balance, but who was unable to God forbid wait on a customer. The cashier had trouble entering my order into the computer, but it got done. Later rather than sooner. I stood there waiting for my order. Since there were 12 people working and no one in line after me, it shouldn't have taken very long. And I waited.

I saw a lady wandering around with a bag in her hand, but she never came near me, so I kept on waiting. Finally the manager (who was still counting the drawer) told her that she had my order. That had to be tough because I was standing next to the cashier where I placed my order. And I was the only person in the room waiting for food.

It was downhill from there.

I got home, opened my Italian beef sangie, and alas, there was no advertised provolone was missing. There was no toasting to the "toasted" artesian baguette. Hell, it wasn't even a baguette. It was a very sad and soggy beef with onion on a soggy soft un-toasted non-Artesian bun sangie. As in it had been pre-made and left sitting in foil wrap. Whatever freshness the soft-not-toasted baguette-not-a-baguette might have once had, had long since grown old and cold. And soggy. Methinks I got maybe a Philly cheese-steak, also sans cheese, cuz the ad showed slices of beef and this was chunks of chopped beef. With no cheese.

G's sangies were OK, altho on a new bun that she wasn't crazy about, and the usually yummy hash browns were not crispy but were soft and soggy, but not as soggy as my non-artesian baguette. My "no extra charge" Diet Pepsi was mighty fine.

IT AIN'T THE SAME. My staff accountant, Melanie, hails from Sacramento. That's in California. A place that has a fella by the name of Dorken-Goober (sp?) as Governor. Those folks out there deserve him. And every dime the state of California doesn't have. Like money for education, libraries, etc. These are the same folks who voted for Prop 13, remember? And you think Bill Owens has money problems? Not even close.

Anywho, Melanie wakes in the middle of the nite craving something from Jack in the Box. I remember one nite many years ago, BE, I was snockered (as in rather intoxicated) at a friend's place in East Denver. About 2 am I staggered across Leetsdale Drive, not really caring if I got ran over or not, made it to a nearby Jack in the Box and ordered 12 Breakfast Jacks. To this day I have not a clue what is in a Breakfast Jack, but they were the best things I ever ate. I meandered back to the friend's place and camped out on the floor 'til late the next day.

We usta have a Jack in the Box across the street from our office in Lakewood, where an Einstein Bagel's now sits on a tiny space creating massive traffic jams. I usta go in about 6:30 am and order a couple of rare buggers. No problem, came perfectly cooked (I gave very specific instructions), and quite yummy. Shucks, before the Big Bugger scandal I could even get 'em rare at McDonald's, if they weren't busy and someone knew how to use a spatula. You know, that kitchen tool that you flip things with, but never, never use for squishing?

SPEAKING OF TRAFFIC JAMS, let's talk about Starbucks. I really, really dislike Starbucks. I don't care for their coffee, and I despise their corporate attitude. The "holier than thou" attitude that emanates from their Seattle headquarters. The one that sez "We are Starbucks and we don't care who we alienate".

The first time I was in a Starbucks, I ordered a bagel and cream cheese. I got an un-sliced bagel and a packet of cream cheese. I asked the clerk if he could slice the bagel for me. "I'm sorry, sir. But we do not have any knives with which we can slice a bagel. There are plastic knives for your use on the counter behind you. We are immature, stupid people and can not be trusted with anything as dangerous as a bread knife." Well, ok. I did add the last sentence without the clerk really saying it.

They also like to open stores in locations that do not have any parking, but have lots of adjoining parking. That's so they can piss off their good business neighbors who resent having all their parking that they paid for being used by Starbucks customers. What the hell, the customer ain't going to be there long. Besides, "if you (the neighboring business) don't like it, you can have the cars towed. We don't care as long as we get our exorbitant prices for our lousy coffee." Did you know that you could go into 30 different stores and get 30 different tasting cups of coffee? I ain't talking about the foo foo stuff that G luvs, I mean the real, honest to goodness, black coffee. Yuck! And these joints are everywhere! I guess there ain't no accounting for our taste buds.

Now after all this bashing you might get the idea that I don't like fast food. But I do. I mean it's OK. I eat a fair amount of it, but mostly because it's fast. And cheap. I don't like Wendy's. Remember the "hot and juicy" commercials that made Dave famous? Well, they're now "cold and dry". I mean how else can you get a bugger with bacon, lettuce, tomato and all the condiments for $ .99, in a bag and in your hand in less than 20 seconds? Only if you cook the buggers ahead of time. More yuck. But it's cheap. They even knock off 10% for gummers. Oh come on. Y'all know what a gummer is, right? If you don't know, email me at rumpgap@aol.com. I'll send you the answer and a coupon for a pre-gummed bugger at a well-known restaurant in Churchill, Canada.

Let's see. Who's left? Bugger King. Right. Don't like them either. They should get an award for their ads. I've never seen a bugger look so good in an ad, and so bad in the real sangie. Man oh man, there ought to be a law.

Good Times? I get more good calls on their buggers than any other fast foodery. But there was the time (this is the truth, folks) I ordered a combo whatever bugger, with everything on it. Was halfway thru this sucka before I realized that my bugger had no patty! Took it back, showed it to the manager, who was appropriately embarrassed. But I did have another combo last week, actually part of son Primo's combo sangie. It was perty tasty. Yes it was. Well, not that tasty. Not like an Outback 3+3 Bugger. Yo!

Cya.